My life before you.


You can say I’m assertive or aggressive ; competitive; ideal; unrealistic.

So tired of being around negative people; who only complaints; who only give excuses; who takes but not gives; who expects things to drop into their laps.

If there’s one thing that drives me is that; I can’t accept ‘I don’t know’. I won’t accept ignorance and laziness.

Because my dad died because the Doctors couldn’t find a reason why and what he caught. So they couldn’t treat him.

Do you know why everything is relatively simpler from my eyes. Because if you are privileged enough to be schooled; it means you can think; means you have every power to help yourself; your body doesn’t fail you; your limb works, I can never understand why people just do not have the courage to live. To breathe.

Knowing someone died because you can’t fix it ; it is devastating.

It is the reason I try hard. It is the reason I’m competitive; it is the reason I live like my last. It is the reason i mean what i say and say what I mean. It is also the reason I prefer to raise people up rather than put them down. It is the reason I wake up every morning, and it is also the reason I win all the competitions.

As I move in toward 2019; I am more grateful than I have ever been. I have so much; I am so contented with what life gave. I have grown stronger and I seek to continue growing.

My insides

May be ugly may be pretty.

Papa came to me last weekend. We were at the beach, it was windy. We were having a picnic. Dad looks happy, he is beaming with joy, and his skin is glowing. He is a healthier version of himself. He was barbecuing meat for all of us. Everyone was around me, but they kind of fell into the background and papa was all i see, all i focused on. Because he is the star of my dream, and i want him to hug me, to tell me something. To tell me, to say something to me, to guide me, to let me hear what i need to hear.

As his usual self, he was serving everyone food before himself. And then he finally turned to me, he was smiling, the happiest joyful smile that he always has, and in slow motion, i see him transfer the meat from the serving plate unto mine, and in his eyes, as if he said, “Don’t worry now my child, eat something, everything is ok.”

You break my heart, but thank you for assuring me. I guess you can tell i’m struggling.

 

I struggle with love, with forgiveness, with being patient with myself and others, I struggle with loss, i struggle with guilt, grieve, sadness, unfairness. I struggle to find a voice for myself. Most of all, i still struggle with you gone papa.

Much love in my heart for you.

Dear Rachel; I miss you so much.

I hear your cries, through your tears, fears, all your panic attacks, I can imagine the external torture, and the internal torture that you’re experiencing. I’m sorry for this hard phase, you’re such a beautiful person, and i hope that when you look at the mirror, you see what i see.

You’re enough, and good, and independent, and above all you try, maybe too hard sometimes, to the point you forget yourself. You are important too, have some respect for yourself, give yourself some time and space, give yourself some attention, hear yourself breathe more often. Thank yourself for all the hard work thus far. You don’t need to go on your knees for someone to love you darling.

I hope someone –  yourself, or a friend, or a family, a support group, or God, restores you.I hope that life itself restores you, what is stolen and lost, what was robbed from you, both of the physical world, mental world, and also in your heart. And i wished i could put some hope and dreams in a jar for you, to build what was torn down, and what has stripped you naked. But i realized you’re a big girl now, and to grow you need your own space, time and your own way to deal with things. I’m sorry. sometimes i overstep.

I pray that you receive a double portion of everything, more anointing, more love, fresh hope, fresh courage, fresh faith,  sharper eyes to see, clearer ears to hear and listen, sharper mind to discern, and may you always be surrounded by kind people.  Greater things Rachel, greater things for you.

I hope as you embark on a new chapter, i wish nothing but everything to be better than before, super than before, sweeter than before. You deserve nothing but the best.

Love you so much.

Yellow Bird

 

This is my favourite place; when i get breathless, this is my place.

Some days i come to this place, up to 5  times, just to regulate my breath. I would see people jogging, cycling, a granddad with grandchild, chatting away. And lately this yellow man, across the water, quite frequently.

Yesterday, there was two yellow birds, flying toward me. ( I was a little scared, i have been pecked by birds before, like on my head ).  They both landed on different trees. and proceed to chat away with one another.

I was delighted to see the yellow birds.

Hey Pa;

Funny thing about Chinese families. We always gather for dinner, to be seated down to have dinner together. Normally, mom would whip 2 dishes and a soup, served with piping hot rice.

I remember this distinctive memory. I was maybe,16? Probably got mediocre results for math – because God forbid – it is the one subject you need to be like a fucking expert in..   Dad and i are normally the last to leave the table, because we like to just chill like that. He told me,

“It is ok to fail, the most important thing is that you’ve tried your best. And papa, will always love you, whether you fail or your succeed in the things that you do.”

And i said, ” I know, Pa”.

I would love to hear that again, i also miss your daily calls, and how you would ask about my day, and what have i had for dinner ( Normally i would have these calls whilst im driving home from work, about 8 ish ), and then, (this is my favorite part of the call), where you would tell me,

” Papa, loves you Van ”

I know that Pa, and i love you too, so fucking much. it hurts. Oh. God. You are missed, dearly.

 

 

*Yes, i have failed maths many times in my life. haha

About time

Finally finally…. i took time to put on new sheets.

I love this rainy season.

Staying at home is wonderful. Not working is wonderful. Haha (not working with people who are not my tribe is wonderful )