Last year i tore a shoulder tendon, which was excruciatingly painful. In alot of way, i wasn’t able to lead a normal life, with simple activities. Things like washing my hair, or wearing clothes would cause me tears due to the excruciating pain. After about 8 months of physical inacitivy, whirlwind of emotions and periods of demotivation, loss of sense of self, i thought i was on the right track of recovery.
Until i had another accident, head on collission bicycle accident, that caused me to have 17 and 11 (right and left hands and wrist).
It is a testament to my life, in helping me understand how much i actually do, and use my hands on a daily basis. Pulling my pants down to pee sends me a message, commonly “Oh my, you are redundant, you cannot even pee without feeling pain”. Acts like brushing my teeth, made me question – “what’s the use in brushing”. Holding the phone – impossible. Can’t turn a door nob.
Its has been a tough tough tough past 10 months, the other way, my body was showing signs of distress, and I thought i was going into pre-menopausal , and found out I have to go for a procedure to remove abnormal growths in my womb.
I wondered if I did this to myself, wanted to play the blame game, but decided not to, what’s the point really.
All the things that brought be pure joy in life, requires moving, using my hands. Pottery, Cello, cooking.
I’ve no other way but reform the way i see beauty in life, and turn to things and people that serves me.
I’ve decided to take up cello, the main reason was to regain my mobility in both my hands, wrist and elbow. I have cried through many practise sessions, because at the end of the day, it just feels like i broke my wrist. Pain of 11/10.
Not to mention i have started to lose interest in going to the doctor, because they would tell me to take painkillers, or propose a steroid jab, and they wouldn’t listen to me, really wonder why they became doctors, without trying to improve the quality of my life. Some even suggested, that my pain is not real, it’s all in my head.
Yes, pain is generated from the head, but think. Why is the pain localise only to my hands.
What effects of these pain truly are. Can she type away without pain, yes, can she open a can of coke, no.
Can lead a life, freely, without pain. No.
So yes, im in pain. Forgive me my friends, if i do not have the patience to listen to your first world problems – that you’re depressed because we are in lock down, or you can’t really decide to go back to work or be a stay at home mom, or how much weight you’ve put on, or that one friend that opens her heart to hurt and just not willing to protect herself, but cant believe what a jerk the guy was to her. Also to the other friend that I can’t stand – you come to my place, and just shame me of how messy my house look and how its not up to your standards.
Yes, everyone has their own pain, but may i suggest something, take a look around.
Because i’m in pain. I wake up in pain, i go to sleep in pain, i wake up in the middle of the night feeling pain. And there are days, i lie there in pain, with a heated pad over my hands.
Oh God, please give me mental strength to still want to get out of bed and deal with fucking silly issues of the world, and patience to go through this, and understand my body will heal in due time.