I have been feeling a little down lately due to a sexual harassment episode that happened at work. And i finally feel like i need to pen down my thoughts.
Hard seems to be an understatement to what im going through.
These past months, I’ve felt confused, stuck in time, sadness, anger, powerless, powerful, courageous, brave, stupid, lonely, anxious, anger, guilt, self-blame, numb, loved, cared for, warmth.
I remember feeling numb a lot, i didn’t know what happened to me. I didn’t know the extend of how this experience would affect me. I remember blacking out a lot, I remember being confused, constantly asked myself , what shifted, was it my confidence, something is wrong, but what is wrong. Where is the wound, how should i heal, where should i begin. I choose to stay put in my company, because who would fight for me, and did i make a mistake here ? No. but it took 100x the courage to stay on, and to face it. There were many instances that I just wanted to leave, to start a new. Anew from what, from whom, and where – I asked myself.
Many evenings, I end my yoga practice, with me sitting down, with my hands on my heart, in effort to still my heart, still my nervous system, to still my racing thoughts – that it is ok to cry, it is normal to feel everything i feel, and to tell myself that this too shall pass. Without fail, i would be asking God to help me, help me stay alive one more day, help me to love myself, help me to accept this journey of mine.
Lately, i turned 35. That morning, i have felt my lowest, wanting to end my life, to end this suffering. Dark dark thoughts in a dark dark time – I couldnt find an once of worthiness in me, to want to carry on. Again, hard seems to be an understated word to use in a situation as such.
One of my dear friend flew across the world to have dinner with me tonight, she reminded me, of my accomplishments, what a beautiful person i am, and how much i have in me to still carry on fighting this. She turned to me, and said, i know you’re struggling, and i know you love your job so much, this is not about your job, but also is something about your job, so i understand the confusion, and i understand the need to protect other women from happening to them.
I’ve never felt so validated in my life, I never thought i would have a friend who could understand me, and love me, and cared me, and showed up for me – especially when i cant show up for myself.
I am blessed indeed. For everyone that came to me, and supported me, and listened to me, and cried with me, and felt angry for me.
Life, i have met my qouta of shitty experience, so please, let’s turn for a better experience now.