Somehow the body knows.. what weekend is it.
I think of papa every now and then, and a little more lately. mostly fondly. Tears is a constant friend during these thoughts, simply because there’s so much love.
A friend recently reminded me, how hard my life has been, and how far i’ve come. (Hardship not by sheer bad decisions, but generally just what life throws at me). I had to take a quiet pause, and take it in. I know sometime things are hard, but I’ve always refrained myself from thinking – I have a hard life – who doesn’t – well, there are people who have an easy life.
I’ve been on a lot of stress lately, and silver whites are sprouting out of my head like no tomorrow..(Welcome to the next age tier). Been making time to go to the gym, and saving more for the future, and generally, most of the time just fly by.
I’ve become more and more open to the concept of everything happens for a reason – even to the tiniest details. This year 3 of my friends has invited me to do ayahuasca.. do you think its a co-incidence? the insane and very random people that i’ve met this year. Three days ago, I saw video, a sermon to be precise, a pastor from another denomination altogether titled “How to do deal with dark times”. It showed up twice for two days, and i was curious.
Little did i know, it was a video my inner-self needed in this present day. The topic of religion, is a complex and winding road. I’ve not been back to church since covid, and lately, i’ve been alot in the fore-front of my brain, thinking about whether i love God, or I still remember Him, or His goodness, Do i believe in Him.
And sometimes i talk to Him, i tell him how i feel, and i talk to him like a friend, but i have been through enough in life, to know that he is there. (and writing this out brings tears to my eyes).
Yes, i have been through so much, that i don’t doubt that He is there. And it is a whole new level of faith, or, from a different perspective, been through enough shit to know I am nothing, and not in control, and I choose Him.
In this sermon, it talks about despair, sorrowfulness and sadness without hope. (Alot of conversation about sadness ends up with hope, I’m guilty of this too, because sorrow, sadness is just something so hard to sit with). And it opens my eyes, that these kind of sadness is documented in the bible. It makes me feel seen, because sometimes, sometimes it feels like this long fucking dark road is 5 years long.
I’ll walk it, because i know i can. This year, i’ve caught myself saying this many times, “Use me, for your will”. And it just hit me, what is happening all these while.
I want to write this down because since papa left, God is the only father figure that I felt never really left me. (even when i feel he doesnt love me, deep down – i know he is there, and he is listening).
And I’m so grateful that someone is looking out for me, placing people in my life, and showing me such grace.
Love you papa, now and always. Happy Father’s Day to you, papa.