Haven’t been running lately. Running used to give me freedom, now dad has taken all of my mind during running, makes it difficult to concentrate on breathing.
It’s raining here dad, and I’m watching it. It’s been rather gloomy today. I was visualizing how your smile looked like. I squeezed my eyes, dug hard into my memory to replay your voice in my head. How comforting it would have been to hear your voice again. If you heard my sobs, or see me grieve, you would have asked ” what’s wrong ?”
So many things to be greatful for dad. The people I have met, the work I’m doing, for mommy and family. So many good things happening. But I still feel lonely. I still feel like its all short lifted, feel my winnings are aimless – for the sake to keep you out of my mind. And when I actually reach my goal, I realised it was for nothing. For no one.
So much grieve papa. I wished you could be here. Just hear me cry. I miss you.
Love you till the end.
I miss calling someone papa. I miss calling someone dad. Miss that one person who makes me feels safe. Miss that one person who seems like everything to me. Miss all the moment we shout at each other. All the I love yous. All the unspoken words that the heart feels but cannot say. Miss having you around. Miss your cooking. Miss your smell. Miss your hugs. Miss your voice. Miss your white silver strands. Miss giving you facials. Miss having you around in the garden. Miss you sitting there, trimming your bonsai. Miss all your enthusiasm about life, about your love for God. Do you know Brown misses you. The house feels empty without you. It feels cold. Can almost hear all your echos – when you call my name. When you scream at me. When you say you love me. When you tell me that life is hard. Or let me know that you will always be there.
Where are you papa. Where are you.
I miss you everyday, almost as much as you miss me.
Papa. you know. some good things are happening around me and to me. And you should be here to see all these changes. How they affect me and what are the possibilities for me from here on. It’s pretty amazing. And I miss you so much. I thank God for all the good and kind people that he has placed around me. They have helped me feel a little less loved everyday. I still refuse to go out, because the heart is still bare and empty. Miss you loads. I wonder that you’re doing now.
Right now, it’s Tuesday today, 8:53 pm. I just had my dinner. My company provides dinner for us. How kind right.. this company has all the young and energetic people papa. Just like me. And my colleagues are all pretty kind. My boss is just a bouquet of roses in the middle of a big grey storm. And mom has been lonely and sad. She misses you so much. So does Brown. How I long to see you and touch your face papa. Truly miss you.
If only you can speak to me, and tell me how much you love me. Just for once more.