If you know me, you will know how much I love running, how it truly makes me feel and how it sets me free. Running helps me empty my mind.
After my dad’s passing, I never seem to be able to keep up with running. Every moment my mind is empty, it gets filled with dad. With happy thoughts, sad thoughts, thoughts that stirs me to be angry, to be guilty, to be disappointed – mostly by myself. Most of the time, it is just images of papa smiling, and nodding at me. Some how asking me to.. carry on.. carry on.
I still cry. It is not the same.
I can’t open the bottle of honey he bought for me. I can’t throw the face serum he last bought me. I can’t throw away the jogging shoes he last bought me. I don’t want to change my handphone because he gave it to me. I still wear his shirt to sleep. I keep the rest hanging in the cupboard. Mom hasn’t unpack his suitcase, since their last trip. She keeps his car around, washes it when she misses him. We still keep his phone line. I still talk to him. When my dog is naughty, we warn him, still telling him “Papa will scold you”.
Every time I see his photo. It just breaks my heart. And it remains broken. I have no idea to fill this emptiness. It is not with the job, not with money, not with anything within this realm can ever comfort me. My laughters are empty, my happiness doesn’t last. My hard work is unaccounted for.
With this loss, I have loss all hope, with all capacity to love. Having the fear of someone I love could ever leave me again, just seems, so impossible to go through again. Too tired to fight. Too tired to carry on.
But Pa, and God – “It is well with my soul”. We cope with the best we can. May you always put wonderful people at our paths, who are kind and help us feel a little less painful about losing you.
I love you everyday, till the end Pa.