From my previous post, I’m guessing that many of you can roughly know that my dad has been pretty sick.
Saturday morning, the fateful day that I forgot to wear my watch. And I truly wished that time stopped. Doctors informed us that there was no positive brain activity, and he was totally reliant on machines and medicines. We decided to let him go.
Off he went, at 10:42am.
and my heart, like as if it’s not there anymore.
A true fighter he was, he mentioned to my siblings that he was scared to die. I didn’t get a change to say goodbye, because I had a business meeting. And this lesson is too painful to learn, at the cost of my dad’s life. And its fucking bitter for me to even look at myself in the mirror.
I miss my dad terribly. I told him I loved him, again and again. I wished he woke up and hugged me back. I wished that he would open his eyes and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know for sure everything will be ok, I know he is in a better place, I know he is not suffering anymore. But the reality stays that he is gone.
I watched the color drain off his face, I was there when the warmth left his body. I wiped all the liquid from his mouth that came out every time I kisses his cheeks. I wiped the blood from this nose. I slept beside him, my last hours with him, wailing, shouting, telling him I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.
Just too sad. Just too sad. Just too sad.
Just too sudden. Too quick.
I can’t even get up from bed every morning.
I do not want to be strong. I do not want to be strong. I only have one dad, and he was the best thing that a daughter can have. I know for sure I will not find another man who loves me as much.I want to wail, and cry and remain un-glued. It is my very right, my privilege to mourn for my dad. I can do it only once, so please, if you see me crying, let me cry. If I am not my usual self, please be reminded that my No.1 is no longer there. Please don’t ask if I’m ok. I’m not ok. I will not be ok for a while. How do you think I’m feeling inside, really.
I miss his embrace, I miss his laughter, I miss his silliness. I miss him nagging at me. I miss him so much. I miss him more than any words can ever describe. I miss his voice. I miss his phone calls. I miss everything about my dad. I miss seeing him on his favourite chair. I miss seeing him sleeping on his side of the bed. I miss his snoring. I miss cooking for him. I miss him so much.
I used to call dad when I’m down, He always calls me to tell me he loves me.
I wished time stopped.
I wished time stopped.
I wished time stopped.
I love you, please be with me. Please watch over me.I’m still too young. Still need a papa’s guidance. Still need your love. I will always love you. I’m so proud and lucky to have a papa like you.