Birthdays are personal. I say this every year, and with every passing year, it does get more and more personal. Last year to this year, was the biggest quantum leap I am forced to take.
The death of my father, my buddy, my only comfort in all chaos – came from no where. Who would have known. This is the the biggest change. Forced to stand on my own to feet,with no guide, no manual. Feels lonely. Feels like its my own battle, with my own shield. Just me against the whole world.
I struggle deeply with this fact, losing my dad.I still talk to him everyday. I have fully accepted that he is gone. What makes me sad is, I didn’t say goodbye. I didn’t get a change to say goodbye and thank you. Then again, who ever knows what’s going to happen.
Some days are particularly difficult. I want to close my eyes and cross a busy road. To end everything in my head. The pain in my heart. The voices I hear. The things I see. The regrets I have to carry.
Some days, I close my eyes and I imagine my dad waiting for me at the finishing line, waiting. Like how he always would, with hands cross behind his back. Waiting for me, looking out for me.
Owh, the pain and emptiness I feel. And this birthday – is nothing but emptiness in my heart. The dark cloud I carry over my head. There’s something about going through something so big, you just realize that nothing else ever matters. And all the nonsense that mattered, don’t mean a single thing after all.
But nonetheless, I’m thankful for the people around me, who are supporting me. Everyday, to just pass each day. To remind me, to just keep breathing.
I love you papa, and happy birthday to me. I miss the birthday calls you attempt every year.