Hey Pa;

Funny thing about Chinese families. We always gather for dinner, to be seated down to have dinner together. Normally, mom would whip 2 dishes and a soup, served with piping hot rice.

I remember this distinctive memory. I was maybe,16? Probably got mediocre results for math – because God forbid – it is the one subject you need to be like a fucking expert in..   Dad and i are normally the last to leave the table, because we like to just chill like that. He told me,

“It is ok to fail, the most important thing is that you’ve tried your best. And papa, will always love you, whether you fail or your succeed in the things that you do.”

And i said, ” I know, Pa”.

I would love to hear that again, i also miss your daily calls, and how you would ask about my day, and what have i had for dinner ( Normally i would have these calls whilst im driving home from work, about 8 ish ), and then, (this is my favorite part of the call), where you would tell me,

” Papa, loves you Van ”

I know that Pa, and i love you too, so fucking much. it hurts. Oh. God. You are missed, dearly.

 

 

*Yes, i have failed maths many times in my life. haha

About time

Finally finally…. i took time to put on new sheets.

I love this rainy season.

Staying at home is wonderful. Not working is wonderful. Haha (not working with people who are not my tribe is wonderful )

Vulnerability – can i just fuck this shit.

No one wants to talk about it.

The more you talk about it, the more people think you’re strong. But i’m really not, and if you’re not careful people take advantage of it. Shame, the fear of disconnection, the action or things we say or do, that makes you feel unworthy of (fill in the blank) – being here, doing this, or of being accepted.

I constantly feel this negative emotion, in my workplace, by the people around me, mostly by the people who don’t let me be, and don’t understand me. Humans are funny is some way. Even i’m funny. I think that i know myself, but i’m all complicated, and simple at the same time.

I am worthy, of love and belonging. Whole-heartedly, i do think so.  I will tell you i am imperfect, and I;m compassionate with myself, with others. And i hope i have the courage to keep on having a full heart to keep on going, to keep loving people and accepting people for who they are, and in return I will keep breathing in the mean time.

I struggle so much with being vulnerable because it comes with so much pain, shame, fear, struggle for worthiness and dealing with such exposure of yourself.. I hope in return, i get to experience and i know i will…. , joy, creativity, of belonging, and love. I’m just going to surrender to this shit, not going to fight with it.

Hah! Simple but tough.

 

 

Tormented is the word.

Oh well, i accept it. I don’t really understand what it means but yeah, I accept it.

You know what torments me ? When it is so simple, but people just can’t see it, in my light. And that’s ok. I’ll look for other lights.

 

Fuck you.

After all this time: I still love you and I miss you so much:

you motherfucker. Broke my heart and yet still lingers round.

Why don’t you?

So; all of the stars has faded away; just try not to worry. You’ll see them some day. Take what you need and be on your way.

You’ll never be able to change what’s been; and gone. Why don’t you Vanessa; just why don’t you; just let it go and move on to greater things.

Because love; is; love.

Thats part of living. Take it with grace; let it go; let it go. Move on softly with your big life.