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My light house

The moment i saw dad lying motionless on the hospital bed, my stomach flipped

I fully understood the meaning of losing him, Every second i prayed that he woke up. Because if he didn’t, there was no future.
And he didn’t.

It has been two years now. Still feels like the same raw pain.
Still feels like the same emptiness. Still feeling the same feeling of no one looking out for me.

Still can’t think of you without crying like a ugly person.
Still can’t talk about you. Still talk about you when we say grace before dinner. Still can’t be alone. Still can’t fix this.

I miss you papa. So much.I miss you.

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When there’s nothing to look back to.

Enroute to China, there was a technical error with the plane I was flying on.

I didn’t freak out at all, a firm believer of ” If God loves me more, I welcome the love”.
We landed for the plane to be fixed.

Second time out, I texted my brother – gave him access to my life, directed him to do the necessary if I go.

While I was about to land in China, I realised that – I’m ready to die. Don’t think there’s anything to look back to in life, except for having kids, and my family&dog. Nothing in life really mattered as much.

I was actually at peace with the fact that I might be dying. Because I know that I’ll see papa. I can spend time with him, tell him about all the experiences I have had, in a world there’s no pain or heartbreak. But first, just to hear that he loves me still.

I am probably just super fucked up, or just really living life like everyday is my last.

God, if you can touch any part of my heart – teach me to love my life here on earth while i breathe. To take care of mom and family while i can.. So.much.pain.today.

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For my mother;

I pray that God, you bless my mother, with many kind souls to surround her. To help her with the loneliness she she faces on a daily basis. I pray that you grant her wisdom, to deal with all her children – especially me. I pray that you bless her, and keep her safe. I pray that you help her navigate the rest of her life, and also help her with guiding us, as both a mother and a father at the same time, because since you took him away. There’s has nothing been emptiness in her life, and in ours too.

And help her have courage to be alone.