On ” Wholesomeness “

I would think I’m still in the midst of a pity party for myself – having been through a difficult year ( saying that would be an understatement ). a very difficult year.

I recently finally had the courage to go back to church. One of my colleague was getting baptized and I thought, what a wonderful event to be thankful for, so I went. I still love God despite the everything. Yes, I still have the many conversations with him. I still ask him for comfort,guidance,love, grace, and everything that a human needs.

The very reason why I do not want to go to church is because, I see my dad every time I go there. I just see him. Standing, smiling, praising, singing, tearing. I just see him, at every corner, and I instantly remember how he died.

My deep deep anguish, misery, despair, pain and sorrow, my very painful grieving heart. All my challenges, all the big shoes I need to fill because of my guilt towards my father’s death. All the walk of desolation, all the night cries, all the heated debates with God – with tears of course. All the things I want to shout out, but I keep it in for I know I go through things that I cannot understand. I ask why, now, but I know He uses all my pain for His own glory. For every unjustness and difficulty I go through in life, I try to replace the events with kindness and love – and to protect those that are prosecuted unfairly. And I see God working within me.

I forgot how much God really really loves me, and how much he will protect me. More than my own papa.
It is in His house, i feel like I belong somewhere again. After such a long long time of closing up to everyone – I finally feel like someone loves me again. Loves me for all my brokenness.

I still remember all the bible verses that I memorized, on how God will not let us bear more than we can. and the book of Job. We all have ups and downs, which is a good thing, we all walk out of it, except that now, we’re a higher version of ourselves, a more wholesome being.

p/s : papa, i miss you so much.

The world will break your heart 10 ways to sundays, thats guaranteed. Neither one of us goes through life without having to go through difficult times. I can’t even begin to phantom of the crazy that goes through my head and heart on a daily basis. But, when I think how truly blessed I am, and how everyone has helped me get here. I’m a lucky person.

What you don’t know.

If you know me, you will know how much I love running, how it truly makes me feel and how it sets me free. Running helps me empty my mind.

After my dad’s passing, I never seem to be able to keep up with running. Every moment my mind is empty, it gets filled with dad. With happy thoughts, sad thoughts, thoughts that stirs me to be angry, to be guilty, to be disappointed – mostly by myself. Most of the time, it is just images of papa smiling, and nodding at me. Some how asking me to.. carry on.. carry on.

I still cry. It is not the same.

I can’t open the bottle of honey he bought for me. I can’t throw the face serum he last bought me. I can’t throw away the jogging shoes he last bought me. I don’t want to change my handphone because he gave it to me. I still wear his shirt to sleep. I keep the rest hanging in the cupboard. Mom hasn’t unpack his suitcase, since their last trip. She keeps his car around, washes it when she misses him. We still keep his phone line. I still talk to him. When my dog is naughty, we warn him, still telling him “Papa will scold you”.

Every time I see his photo. It just breaks my heart. And it remains broken. I have no idea to fill this emptiness. It is not with the job, not with money, not with anything within this realm can ever comfort me. My laughters are empty, my happiness doesn’t last. My hard work is unaccounted for.

With this loss, I have loss all hope, with all capacity to love. Having the fear of someone I love could ever leave me again, just seems, so impossible to go through again. Too tired to fight. Too tired to carry on.

But Pa, and God – “It is well with my soul”. We cope with the best we can. May you always put wonderful people at our paths, who are kind and help us feel a little less painful about losing you.

I love you everyday, till the end Pa.