I would think I’m still in the midst of a pity party for myself – having been through a difficult year ( saying that would be an understatement ). a very difficult year.
I recently finally had the courage to go back to church. One of my colleague was getting baptized and I thought, what a wonderful event to be thankful for, so I went. I still love God despite the everything. Yes, I still have the many conversations with him. I still ask him for comfort,guidance,love, grace, and everything that a human needs.
The very reason why I do not want to go to church is because, I see my dad every time I go there. I just see him. Standing, smiling, praising, singing, tearing. I just see him, at every corner, and I instantly remember how he died.
My deep deep anguish, misery, despair, pain and sorrow, my very painful grieving heart. All my challenges, all the big shoes I need to fill because of my guilt towards my father’s death. All the walk of desolation, all the night cries, all the heated debates with God – with tears of course. All the things I want to shout out, but I keep it in for I know I go through things that I cannot understand. I ask why, now, but I know He uses all my pain for His own glory. For every unjustness and difficulty I go through in life, I try to replace the events with kindness and love – and to protect those that are prosecuted unfairly. And I see God working within me.
I forgot how much God really really loves me, and how much he will protect me. More than my own papa.
It is in His house, i feel like I belong somewhere again. After such a long long time of closing up to everyone – I finally feel like someone loves me again. Loves me for all my brokenness.
I still remember all the bible verses that I memorized, on how God will not let us bear more than we can. and the book of Job. We all have ups and downs, which is a good thing, we all walk out of it, except that now, we’re a higher version of ourselves, a more wholesome being.
p/s : papa, i miss you so much.