I know nothing about what I want, the things and the pictures of what I desire in my head is sometimes, weaved through what the society tells me what i should have, or through the culture that I was brought up in, also what I have self-taught.
If you ask me what I want to be in 5 years down the road, i wouldn’t give you a straight answer of what I would be doing, or where I would be. However, i know who I want to be, and i would like to be learning, and contributing to the society in some (small) way. The optimistic way of looking at it, is that I can be whoever I want – Yet with such a wide array of options comes many decisions, many questions, many doubts. What I want are more examples, a cornucopia of happily-ever-afters, in both times of happiness and pain, Because no matter where we find ourselves (single, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, confused, complicated…) there are never any guarantees.
If you zoomed out on your entire life, you will realise how open-ended life actually is. Everyone is dispensable, no one is that important for that long. Nothing is permanent.
2018 has been a year a change, different, difficult and easy at the same time. But i chose this journey intentionally, to allow myself the space and time, to grow. To be creative with who I can actually be.
I draw alot of lines, am a perfectionist, hard-core problem solver. And to reset my button and be a little more open has been a struggle ( huge struggle ). As a perfectionist, I am well aware of the energy I set for the people around me. As a mathematician, I see patterns easily, and I see gaps easily – so hard to mold myself to allow myself to accept things and environments, and let them (and time) to take its course. It is a roughhouse, in both my personal and business life.
Learning that life is hard sometimes, and its not an equation is difficult. To be kind to myself is difficult, making sure I allow myself to feel awkward in life is difficult. on how difficult life can be ? it can be really shittyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Feel it, cry if you need to, move on. Trying and moving forward would always be the best option, in your own time.
I take the gems, i take the lessons, I accept that i might have been blinded and might have not caught all the gems that came my way. I learn that it is going to be ok. I want to protect my peace. This thing that I’m doing for myself, is because I love myself, I’m going to let myself be creative and let life open me up to the best version i can be.