On Loving Men.

Of all the men, I have fell in love with (there are not many by the way), there is one and only, whom. Across all time and places will be the first in my heart.

This man has seen me in my worst and best. He knows all my hidden strengths and also weaknesses.

No, I believe He doesn’t love all of me. Especially my stubbornness – which I unwillingly inherited from him.
I’m sure he don’t love the competitiveness in me. How I get so upset and emotional easily, not mentioning how rigid I could be sometimes. Above all, I’m pretty sure he hates that I like to boss him around – only I can do that – It’s a very special relationship we have.

I really dislike it when he doesn’t give me the space to make mistakes. Or let me be an adult. When he think he is right all the time.

But he is the one who waits at the bus station, look out for my very bus and waves eagerly at me. He is the one who taught me maths – always with a cane in hand. In return, I now teach him how to calculate interest rates – no cane in hand of course. He is the one who accepts me when I fail , and welcomes me when I march my sorry arse home. Also the man who taught me how to ride a bike, and when I fall – He also reminded me that pain is temporary as he cleans my wound with raw alcohol. He said, you should only cry when, someone dies, and where’s there’s no food.

My father. He is.

I would like to think that I’m living life the ‘right’ way. Putting family first and money last. But when I make decisions, it tends to be the opposite. And I feel disgusted with myself.
Every time I go home, he seems to have more whites than black strands.

Today, I feel like time is running out and I STILL don’t know how to tell them I love them. There’s a blockage somewhere, somehow. Words never seem to be flowing out, its never the right time. Because I’m a girl right, I need to say it at the right time.. and my dad is totally like, ‘WHAT?’ when there’s a 5 second pause – which is when I’m gathering my courage to say the words. Totally turn off.

But I do love you back. And its huge and enormous. I’m grateful. And I hope you know that under all that hostile personality I have. You can see it buried underneath somewhere. Please take note that this very paragraph won’t exist when we’re pissed at each other. Haha. Emotions.

Mom – If you’re reading this (which I know you will somehow) I LOVE YOU TOO. I’M A GOOD DAUGHTER. HAHA. I DON’T PICK SIDES. I can’t imagine a life without you both!