I wished I could choose better.
At the cross roads, except that there’s a million roads to take, not just four. The best part of this. I can be anything I want to be. The options are endless. But to choose one so that it alines with the true me, my principles and what I stand for in life, to also have a balanced life. To fulfil my purposes in life. Is a freaking feat.
I can be a boring brick, I can be an exciting brick. I could be something other than a brick too.
What happens to people whose brains a well balanced and centered, ??
Lately, this is what I’m facing.
You have to be like this, you should do that so that you can reach that level, you shouldn’t be so nice, or smiley, you should be like everyone else. Don’t stand out, don’t ask too many questions if you can – don’t ask questions. Never answer back, don’t react to anyone. Master your poker face. Do what everyone is doing. Follow what others have been doing, you will never go wrong.
Internal voice A;
But I don’t want to be like everyone else, I don’t want to fake who I am so I can please someone – in order to get that oppoturnity – that actually should be given readily to anyone, based on qualifications and worthiness. Listen bitches, I don’t try to stand out, I do stand out. I will always ask questions because I want to understand. I don’t want to just follow because you command me so, help me understand. I will always react, I’m human. Get a fucking robot if you don’t want it to react. Even Siri reacts. and Answers back. I am not a follower, if you want to be – you give me a reason to follow you.
Internal voice B;
But Vanessa, you know this is life. You always stick out like a sore thumb for no reason. And people will be people because they are people. Why do you let these people make you feel this way.
” I don’t know why, but sometimes they just get to me ” .
Then you learn to shut these people up. Can you stop caring so much?
” No, I can’t , because maybe .. what they are telling me is the truth, maybe I should follow, then my life will be much much easier ”
Look you want things in life, you want luxurious things, you want to be the best. And then you complain that its difficult.
“I know I shouldn’t complain, I’m being such a bitch”
Look at the great people, they don’t have balanced life, they work hard. They don’t comb their hair, they are crazy and they work and struggle for many years. And then get one big GREAT break. And you should work this way, you just have to be more resilient. more hard-working. smarter in handling emotions and situations. you will be there.
But there are rules and regulations this world has set so that you can be ‘ideal’. Never succumb.
Yesterday was a horrible day, I felt small and everything was just not in place. But then God always has a way to remind me that He loves me, and there are many people who care about me.
By noon, I had chocolates on my desk from a wonderful colleague.
And I met, a wonderful man. Who spoke about hope, love and told be to be courages to be myself.
It was love to my ears. God sent on the right day. I have never met a man so matured, so tranquil and his quiet confidence helped me shut all the external voices.
And I stepped into a shop which reminds me of my past,
My dad used to make his own Hi-Fi speakers. such a music person – I can gladly say that I took after him. When I was little, I spent a lot of time in record stores as dad look through piles of these. And it comforted me. Because when I’m in the store, its always a nice soothing song – and it seeps into my being.
Brokenness is when I hear my parents fighting and get physical. And as I sit there feeling helpless, I can see the eggs flying in the air, like as if the eggs was trying to kill my dad.
And I saw the peanut butter jars flew too. I love peanut butter by the way.
The worst feeling in the world, helplessness. And the kind of brokenness my heart feels. Mind-blogging. Makes me search my soul. My core.
If there’s a speech I could give, without my parents shunning me aside because I am younger therefore I shouldn’t even be speaking to them kind of thing’
” I wished you communicated more. I wished you can be happy. I wished both of you can be happy together, because you are old, and there’s not much time left you know? I wished you can just let the baggage go and just be happy. I wished you can see behind all these small fights there are many things in this world that can make you happy. But ….
I wished you know that love is a big thing, its so big and nice, and real love is warm and comforting. It’s not about keeping scores, about good things or bad things we have done to each other. Its about kindness and giving, in times when people don’t deserve it. The more you should give it.. ”
And I miss the stars.
This is life. The Ups and Downs that maketh me.