This cloud of ambivalence, that is over taking me. Is driving me insane.
I recently changed my job, having understood the deep long pain (physical, and the chasing of success), i have decided that I wanted to slow down ( take things slowly ).
Off I went to experience India, came back and started the new job. I knew the ins and out of the business, understood the process in about 3 weeks, where are the breaking points and what i can fix. Outside office, I still need to go for regular yoga classes, adjusting to new office, new culture, new people, new everything.
This is the end of week 4, I have waved through the high of highs and low of lows. Trying to keep a positive mindset to this change.
But the truth (as of today), remains that I feel so lost. I thought that switching from fast to slow, was a button to be pushed, little that i know experiencing it was so painful. My previous job required 200% of attention, it was noisy, young, exciting, and I truly felt like my work was for a greater course. At my new place, i am still here for the greater course, I am respected here, the colleagues are warm and friendly. I am not in any position to complain, but i am.
I know i have a good life, and I sound insanely spoilt for feeling and even experiencing these random thoughts and feelings. I look back 2,3,4,5 years ago, on how much I have grown as a person. I am utterly grateful for all the opportunities that landed on my lap. All the things that I wished for, and wanted – somehow or rather has knocked on my door and appeared at the corners of my window. But there is this un-quenchable thirst that I cannot seem to satisfy. This hole that I cannot fill, and i try to fill it with my career ( removing myself then makes me feel lost ), I fill it with money, and soaked with alcohol, being idle with nothingness in my life.
I sit by myself a little longer.
And then life teaches me that, you can have soil, water, seeds, sun and you think the plant grows. But in real fact, there are seasons of life, and what we know as timing is everything, different plant needs different care and compost, different kinds of love and requirements.
So i sit still, I calm my liver and heart, and i let life teach me on how to truly live, without me fixing something or solving something, to truly lose control ( in being completely sensitive to each moment, in regarding it as utterly new and unique, in having the mind open and wholly receptive) . I let it be.
If i am 99, dying, I wouldn’t change a thing. I regret nothing.
I’m sure as hell, to not retreat to just being overwhelmed. I’m going to try to understand this with grace.