These past few days have been difficult. On my way home, an ambulance was passing through. I swerved to the left – because i know someone is dying inside there, who needs immediately medical care. And I thought of you. And I remember how the morning smell like for me. You choking, the monitors showing a low oxygen transfusion. It felt like fear, anxiety, smelt like death.
10:49 am – as we watch you die. I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe. And I just kept kissing your cheeks, and only blood and fluid flowed out of your mouth. And I wanted to slap you so you would wake up. And I called your name too many times. I didn’t like how the undertaker handled your body. I didn’t like how they ‘made’ you look happy to be dead.
I didn’t like the crowd that came for the sake of coming to your funeral. I know you would have tell me, at least they came – don’t be too hard on people – can’t expect much from them – we only have our family – they are everything.
Many many times, I keep you at the back of my head. Can’t deal with the emotions , still, until to day. Many many times, I catch myself thinking about what food you would have enjoyed, what movies we should have watched together in the cinema , with popcorn of course.We used to watch fireworks together during the New Year – and this year was just pathetic. What a saturday morning would have been, going to the market with you, having breakfast with you, just the two of us.
Owh, how much I love you papa. How much I love you. Its been 8 months, and I miss you more than ever.
I should have said all my i love yous, right out loud. Owh dad, I’m just a kid, feeling too damn fucking lost.
May you look over me, and place me in crowds that are kind, and patient with me and who loves me, just a fraction of how much you loved me, because i’m starting to feel lonely and think that life is all together a very worthless journey.