Hi papa love;

happy birthday. I miss you dearly. Especially your hugs and all your ‘I love yous’ you used to say to me. I could always feel them being the transferred across the phone.

Happy sigh, thank you for being the best daddy in the world while you were here. I am so blessed to have had you in my life.

I love you papa.

This is what I want

I know nothing about what I want, the things and the pictures of what I desire in my head is sometimes, weaved through what the society tells me what i should have, or through the culture that I was brought up in, also what I have self-taught.

If you ask me what I want to be in 5 years down the road, i wouldn’t give you a straight answer of what I would be doing, or where I would be. However, i know who I want to be, and i would like to be learning, and contributing to the society in some (small) way. The optimistic way of looking at it, is that I can be whoever I want – Yet with such a wide array of options comes many decisions, many questions, many doubts. What I want are more examples, a cornucopia of happily-ever-afters, in both times of happiness and pain,  Because no matter where we find ourselves (single, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, confused, complicated…) there are never any guarantees.

If you zoomed out on your entire life, you will realise how open-ended life actually is. Everyone is dispensable, no one is that important for that long. Nothing is permanent.

2018 has been a year a change, different, difficult and easy at the same time. But i chose this journey intentionally, to allow myself the space and time, to grow. To be creative with who I can actually be.

I draw alot of lines, am a perfectionist, hard-core problem solver. And to reset my button and be a little more open has been a struggle ( huge struggle ). As a perfectionist, I am well aware of the energy I set for the people around me. As a mathematician, I see patterns easily, and I see gaps easily – so hard to mold myself to allow myself to accept things and environments, and let them (and time) to take its course. It is a roughhouse, in both my personal and business life.

Learning that life is hard sometimes, and its not an equation is difficult. To be kind to myself is difficult, making sure I allow myself to feel awkward in life is difficult. on how difficult life can be ? it can be really shittyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Feel it, cry if you need to, move on. Trying and moving forward would always be the best option, in your own time.

I take the gems, i take the lessons, I accept that i might have been blinded and might have not caught all the gems that came my way. I learn that it is going to be ok. I want to protect my peace. This thing that I’m doing for myself, is because I love myself, I’m going to let myself be creative and let life open me up to the best version i can be.

Hear me out

Hey God;

i have been anxious and jumpy, trying to control many things I can not control in life. Being ridiculous and absurd.

i want the best for him, ( although I want to be selfish, I want the best for him and I want him to be happy). I hate that I have such capacity with love, I hate to be able to be so open, and deep and vast about things and people I love in life, but I pray for your will to be done, to shine light unto him, his life and the path you have for him.

I write this with tears in my eyes, I trust that you love me with more than your heart, and you provide for me, my daily needs (wants- debate-able). Thank you for always taking care of me, for always giving me and allowing me to grow in the ways I want/ need to.

You teach me how to live life and how to be more like you, I have so much more to learn, whether it’s through pain or joy.

As a problem solver, I struggle greatly with living in the present, and letting nature unfold itself. And I know that life is all about risking it, because there’s really no guarantee in life, in anything actually.

I pray that he gets what he wants and needs, to be happy in his life, and to truly find his calling in life, where ever he may be located. And in any moment I need to let go, may you help me be the gracious, courageous, open and loving woman I can be. I can’t thank you enough for putting this wonderful man in my life. He is a man who has principles, held closely by integrity, such passion to constantly grow, if not, faster than anyone else I know, incredibly generous with money, love and his hugs and kisses. And I can go on and on with the list.

He deserves nothing but the best, and I’m sure You won’t sell him short. I trust You.

Thank you for listening to me.

When I found the switch

Today, merely after writing the previous post.

Of late, I spoke a lot of myself. I wrote down a lot of things. Today, I cleaned the whole fucking white board and stared hard at it.

And I asked myself, what am I here for ? What is the one thing that I feel most alive doing. I realised that was the biggest thing I’m missing right now. Having my own team, to teach, to guide and to groom.

And suddenly the skies became clear. For I have insight on that I’m missing in my life. I always thought I’m a Lone Ranger at work, but turns out I loved having a team way more than a fulfilling and consuming job.

Im so Glad. Now I look for ways to give back.

Growing a plant

This cloud of  ambivalence, that is over taking me. Is driving me insane.

I recently changed my job, having understood the deep long pain (physical, and the chasing of success), i have decided that I wanted to slow down ( take things slowly ).

Off I went to experience India, came back and started the new job. I knew the ins and out of the business, understood the process in about 3 weeks, where are the breaking points and what i can fix. Outside office, I still need to go for regular yoga classes, adjusting to new office, new culture, new people, new everything.

This is the end of week 4, I have waved through the high of highs and low of lows. Trying to keep a positive mindset to this change.

But the truth (as of today), remains that I feel so lost. I thought that switching from fast to slow, was a button to be pushed, little that i know experiencing it was so painful. My previous job required 200% of attention, it was noisy, young, exciting, and I truly felt like my work was for a greater course. At my new place, i am still here for the greater course, I am respected here, the colleagues are warm and friendly. I am not in any position to complain, but i am.

I know i have a good life, and I sound insanely spoilt for feeling and even experiencing these random thoughts and feelings. I look back 2,3,4,5 years ago, on how much I have grown as a person. I am utterly grateful for all the opportunities that landed on my lap.  All the things that I wished for, and wanted – somehow or rather has knocked on my door and appeared at the corners of my window. But there is this un-quenchable thirst that I cannot seem to satisfy. This hole that I cannot fill, and i try to fill it with my career ( removing myself then makes me feel lost ), I fill it with money, and soaked with alcohol, being idle with nothingness in my life.

I sit by myself a little longer.

And then life teaches me that, you can have soil, water, seeds, sun and you think the plant grows. But in real fact, there are seasons of life, and what we know as timing is everything, different plant needs different care and compost, different kinds of love and requirements.

So i sit still, I calm my liver and heart, and i let life teach me on how to truly live, without me fixing something or solving something, to truly lose control ( in being completely sensitive to each moment, in regarding it as utterly new and unique, in having the mind open and wholly receptive) . I let it be.

If i am 99, dying, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I regret nothing.

I’m sure as hell, to not retreat to just being overwhelmed. I’m going to try to understand this with grace.