My Movie, Spotlight on Me.

Things are like a nonstop fast forwarded movie, on the play.

Finally my body gave way, screaming for rest time.

I have always been at the very centre of most experience that I have ever had. I wrote the script, I wrote the characters, I know how I want it to unfold. I even know what I want who to portray, every emotions, every word. I also know how I want things to end. Writing the script of my life, has always gave me a sense of control, in the midst of all the chaos i run away from.

Fortunately, life happens outside of this script. All the things that I cannot control, all the obstacles, all the pain, and the bang-ing around, has smoothen me out ( a little- I hope). Normally I would struggle with power (life) and my own understanding and how I would have liked it to be, when I would have wanted it to happen, and with whom.

Of late, I have been struggling even more with this.

Life seems to be getting a little harder for me to fanthom, or how it has chose to unfold, and the timing of things happening to me, to the people I love – I have zero control over it. Even though in my head I have written it in a certain way, perhaps the best way for me to cope with my own personal demands, and what is expected of me. Vs what I really need to do, all these in a given time frame, which we all think we have a lot of it. But sorry to disappoint – you have less than what you think you have.

Most of the time I find that happiness is a tiny moment of joy that is fleeting. Real happiness is something I always had to work at. What I choose, whom I choose, what benefits me what don’t.   When to doubt, when to turn my back, when to stay, when to walk away. I’m getting a little tired and frustrated at having to work at happiness all the time now. ( I just want it to land on my lap kind of silliness ).  Clearly, some hurdles are too difficult to clear or to be solved just, by simply adjusting your point of view, or adopting a positive mindset, or telling yourself it’s ok and it’s going to be alright. It just not that kind of pain/sadness when your favourite salad bar runs out of corn or grilled prawns, that you have to settle for something else. Sometimes these disappointments or challenges thrown at you changes you permanently. More importantly, how you live with the consequences alters not only your outlook and perspective of life, but how you are as a person on the whole.

So I will forgive everyone who has disappointed,Caused me pain, intentionally or unintentionally. I will turn my back on all failed friendships and not to try to revive it again. I will guard and protect my time more fiercely and not willingly give it to thieves, or selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who won’t shut up. I will only give it to those who deserves it and respect it. And of course how i decide people who are deserving of me, is also something that needs fine-tuning.  I also need to come to terms of someone who has recently died.

Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Life is full of loss. But, in a sense, you need to lose to gain. Don’t know how much truth in that or I’m just lying to myself.

Need to let go. Need someone to take over the spotlight.

My blood pressure was hitting the roof. The doctor said, think of something else. Think of something nice.

So closed my eyes, I thought of blooming flowers. I thought of magical Japan. I thought of my niece. I thought of smiley people. I also thought of my crush. Then I thought of kindness. I thought of thoughtfulness, I thought of love. I thought of food. I thought of the stars, I thought of the sea.

But nothing paced my heart.

And I thought harder.

It was just us, me and him. Sitting on bench. We were looking at a lake. Vast – laid before me. Beautiful. Quiet. Calm. The water was mirroring its surrounding – almost looks like Lake Wanaka.

He didn’t look at me, he was just looking at the lake, he had a face full of approval. Smiling in a way, but subtly. He didn’t speak a word.

And I looked at him, the whole time, with eager eyes – wanting more. I was just looking at him. Hoping he would look at me too, or say something to me. To say he loves me. But my mind and heart was already so glad because, his presence already made so much difference to my entire soul.