On Moving on

It is an acute pain I feel every time, mostly when I’m driving to and from work – I frequently used this interval to call dad and talk to him about my day and life. He always said, I love you very much. Always.

I think of  him very fondly now a days, I try very hard to think of him fondly and not that sad dead face when he died. But now that sad dead face is in my mind. But I remember him being happy. He was easily pleased. I remember all the moments. He has a round cute face. All the smiles. I remembered his pain too.I also remembered how hard he worked for us all. I also remember his tears.

I miss you dad. Like crazy. If you are here, you can see how much I’ve grown. I’m fatter now, my brains fatter too. And I’ve grown a little older. There’s sun-spots on my face now. And I have taken diving licence too. I have also gone to the mechanic myself. I want to tell so so many things about my day. My life.

I miss you so much pa.

My pain is not a puzzle you can finish solving, or putting together. My pain is huge and it’s a part of my life, my surroundings. It is not something I can ‘move on’ to. I am learning to cope with this loss. I’m learning to grow with it.