Him and I.



Today is his 2nd birthday, and I’m not there with him. Last year this day, I let him run around the house, i took him to the playground and I walked him where ever he wanted to go. Because I love him.

This post is extremely overwhelming for me to write.

My love for this pretty soul is above and beyond any metric system could ever measure. He has brought much needed light and happiness into my life. For what he has been through, he truly deserves the best – ‘not applicable when he is naughty though’.

Despite not being able to pee through his penis, and he now wears a diaper for life. He is incredibly happy, energetic and definitely so much joy to be around with.

Owh, his sloppy kisses, how his tails wags from the east to the west when he sees me, how he follows me around the house just to be around me, how we nap together and then he gently wakes me up for his walk. How me manipulates me to share my food with him, i love how he comes upstairs to say hi and runs down because my dad forbids him on the second floor.

Now and then, he still stands in the garden a little longer, head lower – almost like saying a quiet prayer, eyes wide shut, still trying to pee through his penis. All I can do is to call out his name and tell him its ok – I still loved him anyway. My heart swells and I’m humbled, by this act, again and again.

Simply because it’s been 2 years, and he still tries.

That’s why he deserves nothing but the best. Many more years to come my, brown boy. Almost feel like i’m letting him down, knowing how happy I make him, yet i choose to be away from him.

Today i had a conference call with him, mom said when he heard my voice and he licked the phone.

There’s a ball in my throat and warm tears streamed down my cheeks.

I am truly blessed, and I miss him so much.

With and without zoom lens.

All the little factors.

” How do you do it, Vanessa?
Exactly how can you, actually be so cheerful and optimistic?
Everyday I see you, you’re always so nice, always smiling.
I have never seen you gloomy,angry, frustrated or stressed.
It’s a really good thing you can be so happy at all the time.”

A fraction of a stint conversation in the lift with my superior, Angie.
A fine lady, quiet, calm and focused. We share the focus factor, but definitely not the quiet and calm part.

Briefly before that, I complimented on her hair cut – explaining that it made her look younger. Actually I could see her worries written in her eyes. So I tried to be warm and actually remind her about things other than her worries.

Back to the things she mentioned and questioned.
If it helped, it took me more than 30 seconds to digest what she told me. I remember staring at the lift doors as it closed. Looking for an answer to those ‘hard’ questions she blurred out. Maybe she meant it, maybe she didn’t. But I’m hoping she meant it and it surely did made my day.

After 12 floors up, I answered her, ” I just try hard everyday. ”

Maybe I should win an oscar for this. Funny how this lady thinks I’m happy ALL the time. No one is every happy all the time.

Have you ever been inside my head? It’s a constant debate over good and bad. Right and wrong. Frustration and Satisfaction. Love and hate. Important and urgent. To rebel or to fit it. To be or not to be.

All the worries, I have are kept them safely in my head, and amongst close peers.
All my loneliness, tears, pain and bitterness are kept inside a drawer. I only open it up when I am alone, when I have the time and appropriate energy to deal with those monsters.
All my hopeless days are dealt with running and sleeping.

Not forgetting the… Inner Critic. That Inner Voice Is The Hardest To Tame.

I am just as humane as everybody is.

The vast difference of what you see on the outside versus the inside, is great.

I want to tell you why ” I just try so hard everyday. ”

Because I’m sick of all the negativity around me. All the people who wants me to just be mediocre. All the insensitive and unkind people who makes my day a little more dull. All the tedious but highly unnecessary rules, regulations and procedure. I want it easy, fast, and good. And let me tell you – there’s no better way to do things, see things, understand things with a happy clear mind. And there’s no better way to light up people’s life, day or just a minute with enthusiasm and a pretty smile. And above all.. there’s no better way to live life other than having hope.

What love is.

I’m wondering if you know the consequences of being a responsible person?
Yes people look up to you and they know they can count on you.
But the ugly side is that, you have to be responsible for yourself, and not to mention for your loved ones around you, and then there’s the people who know you are responsible and able to take their shit and just dumps everything on you.

The very fine line of being helpful and being taken advantage of.

But then again, aren’t there tiny moments in life, where you could have altered it forever.

Maybe I have a happy face, or I look like a problem solver, or I look like your diary – you want to tell everything good and bad that’s happened to you, or you just wanted someone to talk to. One thing I know of is that almost everyone wants to be heard, and all of us feel lonely to a certain extend no matter how much companionship we have.

I know I have it, to help you immeasurably and made an enormous difference.

Love truly makes you available to other people.

I have a whole lot of opinions whether I’m a good person or not. Lately, when I pay attention to my own behavior, my words, my actions, I see how far I have come and how far I still have to go along this road. Now and then I stray off this golden path I like to think I’m on – because simply there are days I cannot be that person who listens and solves.

I’m glad I took 10 minutes to write this post. Because I was too frustrated to help the poor soul whose eyes screamed for it.

Day in Day out.

You know, i love my life.

But lately things have been becoming overwhelming, especially work. What had always seemed to be like a big white room, the walls suddenly seem to be closer than I can imagine. Almost claustrophobic-ish.

I’m permanently exhausted, i mean literally other than work I do not have the capacity for any energy consuming activities – even movies can be mentally exhausting in these times. I’m starting to be the person I do not want to be.

1) I’m loving my bed more and more.
2) I sometimes think to myself i rather be at home sleeping.
3) I skip eating to sleep. —> can you imagine this?? totally unacceptable.

Well, honestly I just do not know how to handle the stress sometimes. Being in such difficult situation is stressful enough, imagine there’s no right solution for it. Adding to the wound, if when you are in charged of A-Z and yet you need to also overlook other people’s A-Z. Not forgetting my boss’ alpha to epsilon range.

Well, Life as we know it. I’m pretty sure in a few months’ time I will be better in handling this situation. The handing over and addition to my already heavy load responsibilities.

Wish me well and wish me the strength to take this on positively. And to remember it time to time. That i’m lucky to have this life.

A little help.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
—Rudyard Kipling

Projections from my Wardrobe Drawers.

Like every adult, I have dreams and wants of which I am keeping in my drawers.

Tonight, I open the drawers and let the projections convince me that one day it will be as so.
Every drawer is unique, each and every of the length of these projections varies. The make up drawer colours my dreams and goals differently than of the drawers that hold pants in it.
The underwear drawer reminds me how good support makes a difference. In some drawers; I keep memories in them. Along with scented papers. Which teleports me back into the past.

I am not afraid to talk about having big dreams and goals. I’m not here yet, but I will be someday.

And now if I have to strength to bring these heavy and big projections into the open air. I must be brave and courageous to fold it up nicely and put it back into the drawers.

What do you have in your drawers? A space full of lines, dimensions, directions, venue ? Be careful what drawers you invest in and how you fill them up. Some could bring you pain, some being you happiness.

Above all, open all your drawers and make them real.